Stoicism is a philosophy designed to make us more happy, resilient, wise and virtuous. It reminds people of what is truly important and provides practical strategies to get more of what is valuable. As a result, we could become better people and better parents.
There are four main virtues in stoicism : wisdom, justice, courage and temperance.
1. Wisdom
Wisdom is about knowing and learning. It is subdivided into good sense, good calculation, quick-wittedness, discretion, and resourcefulness. The goal is not just to acquire information, but the right kind of information. Stoics go by listening more than talk, read and observe more than talking as well. It is the reason why we were given two ears, two eyes and one mouth.
2. Justice
Justice is about doing the right thing. It is the most important Stoic virtue as it influences all the others. A Stoic must deeply believe that an individual can make a difference.
3. Courage
Courage in Stoics point of view is not about fighting a lion, but to face life as one faces misfortune. Difficult situations are not inconveniences or tragedies, but opportunities to face the problems rather than running away from it.
4. Temperance
Temperance or moderation refers to doing nothing in excess, or in other words, doing the right thing in the right amount in the right way. Stoics believe in making small adjustments rather than drastic changes. If we want to be happy, successful or great, we have to develop the capability through day-to-day habits that allow this to ensue.
The four pillars of Stoicism, when applied in parenting, could bring forth positive outcome resulting in a calm and happy home as well as happy and independent children. Here are 5 ways we could practices stoicism in parenting :
1. Manage expectations
As in any other situations in life, parenting is not excluded from thing that we can or cannot control. Therefore, parents need to manage their expectations. While we can potty train our toddlers, we cannot control incidents of accidents. Rather than getting angry at the child, we need to tell ourselves that accidents do happen and it is beyond our control.
2. Be prepared
Moving hand in hand with managing expectations, being prepared help parents in dealing with difficult situations. Rather than being caught off guard and getting worked up over it, situations could have been easily dealt with with a little preparation or training before hand. For example, getting ready change of clothes and cleaning sheets would help in dealing with toddler who has had an accident episode. Telling or describing to a pre-schooler what to expect on her 1st day of school would cut down much drama.
3. Acceptance
Acceptance is a way to make peace with yourself or your children when things do not go in the way you hoped it to be. Rather than resenting the outcome, manage your expectation and be prepared to accept what may happen and move forward constructively. For instance, after months of training, parents may hoped that their child would ace the swimming competition. However, the results may turn out to be less than expected. Rather than feeling let down, accept that there are tougher competitors out there. Acceptance is not finding excuse when things do not go as expected, but to know that what has happened cannot be changed and the only the way to turn it around is to do better next time.
Another example is that parent may put high hopes on their child to be a science prodigy. However, instead of science, the child may be more interested in music. Accept that this is how it is going to be rather than forcing the science path on the child.
4. Imagination vs reality
Often, we tend to overthink about our situations. This results in us suffering more in imagination than in reality. While it is good to weigh the pros and cons before jumping into something new, overthinking often held us back and thus making us miss out on what good that could have happened. Getting out of our comfort zone may not be as bad as we thought.
5. People’s judgement
Having the courage to do something requires a follow up on accepting that we cannot control what others think of our decision. As parents, we make decisions for our children when they are young. Breastfeed or bottle feed, home school or public school, piano or drum lesson, and the list goes on. These decisions could impact our children’s lives and therefore, we could expect endless comments, backlashes and opinions from people around us. It is funny to think that others feel they could do much better in parenting our own children. Have the courage to stand firm to your decisions and accept that you cannot control what others may say. Most of it are our imaginations anyway.
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